Stay at home holidays...?

How I spend my weekends.

Another depressing contrast for you:

Soaked by Niagara Falls in Canada.

Soaked by apple sourz in England.

Skype

Sorry I've been absent. I saw this sign in uni, it completely caught me off guard and just ruined my day. I can't believe how thrown off I felt having this reminder thrust in my face so randomly.

So I've been trying hard to ignore my emotions, pretend they're not there.

Then just now, watching t.v, an advert came on for cheap flights to Canada. Some of the images they showed were of places I'd been! I could feel my fingers itching on my blackberry to go on the website. In as little as £300, I could book to go back right now!!

I know I can't really.

This is getting so hard.

Mapping it out

It just doesn't seem so far when it is in this scale marked out with pins....

Lyrics

These lyrics reminded me of the good times-

Grew up in a town,
That is famous as a place of movie scenes
Noise is always loud
There are sirenes all around
And the streets are mean
If I could make it here
I could make it anywhere
That’s what they say
Seeing my face in lights
Or my name in marquees found down Broadway
Even if it ain’t all it seemsI got a pocketful of dreams
Baby, I’m from
New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of
There’s nothing you can’t do
Now you’re in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new
Big lights will inspire you
Hear it for New York, New York, New York

Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one track mind like me
You gave my life direction
A game show love connection, we can't deny
I'm so obsessed
My heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna
And I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo
The way you move ain't fair you know
Hey soul sister, I don't wanna miss a single thing you do tonight
The way you can cut a rug
Watching you is the only drug I need
So gangster, I'm so thugYou're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see I can be myself now finally
In fact there's nothing I can't be I want the world to see you'll be with me

I got freaky, freaky, baby
I was chillin’ with my ladies
I didn’t come to get bougie
I came here to get crazyI
was born to get wiiild
That’s my styyyle
If you didn’t know tha
tWell, baby, now you know now
‘Cause I’m!
Havin’!
A good!
Time!
With you!
I’m tellin’ you
I’ve had the time of my life
And I’ve never felt this way before
And I swear this is true
And I owe it all to you
I’ve had the time of my life
And I’ve never felt this way before
And I swear this is true

Absent Friends...

Feelings of Limbo..

Day 1-arrival in Ottawa at the 'jail hostel'

Day 2-still at the jail hostel, trapped in between homes

Day 3-search for a new home, no hope, still in limbo

Day 4-another night in hostel, finally found room at the university

Day 5- move out of the jail, pack all my things

Day 6- move into new home, feelings of limbo disappear

Day 7-temporary life begins

Day 8-109-memories made, still limbo?

Day 110-more packing then departure from one home to another.

Something I thought I'd share with you..

The distance between A to B is 10501 miles, you start at ‘A’ knowing you have somewhere to be and a place to land but when you actually get to ‘B’, ironically all you can think about is what you had at ‘A’. The number 10501 never had such effect before it became the distance which separated one person from their little home, their little town, just their little old life. At 2230 the world is at my doorstep in the form of Melbourne freeway taking me east, every second inching me further and further away on the map, GPRS would have packed up and crashed if it had followed my whereabouts – probably would’ve left me at Iraq...or Afghanistan. Truthfully time moved on like a carousel in full spin.

 90 odd days until I would run my first 10k marathon, because the excitement of entering a new country obviously destroyed most rational thought and decided it would be fun to do it – less than 5 days now. When the stride picks up to a run, all rationality floods back through the blood stream, it suddenly becomes a rhythm game of synchronising breaths and strides, it becomes beautifully unchaotic and simple that two legs can take you from ‘A’ to ‘B’ without the help of anything else.

168 hours ago it seemed appropriate to fall out of a plane, to kiss goodbye to all sensibility that I once had and to embrace fearlessness, to forget the stupid things that held me back like the number 10501 which trapped me from moving anywhere at times – now the number has increased, being in New Zealand was amazing. To fall through the atmosphere for 45 life changing seconds injected something new in me – to make me stand up in a style similar to alcoholics anonymous and say that:

“My name is Olivia, and yes - I am an adrenalin junky”.

The next day, 5 people in a raft ploughed through the currents, in a stream encumbered by greenery and wildlife. Rapids which merge into waterfalls which end in a froth of cloudy, spitting water, moments which push you nearer to the edge until you forget your falling off the edge. Like the edge of a fall or the edge of a plane, 10501 means nothing now I’ve broken these boundaries.

2304 hours days of being a temporary Australian citizen, pushing geographical limits, wondering if it’s possible to get further away from home? Realising that the white water rafting that once petrified me seems awfully close in comparison to the flight I took 97 days ago which also petrified me. It’s also like knowing that perhaps ‘B’ is not a physical location but a kind of psychological state. Perhaps now I know that the route to get there is not simply a plane journey, of statistics of miles or of numbers, but a whole series of violently unpredictable rivers, roads and extreme descents.

Like a plant in a cuboard...

Ohh just been tagged in a photo from when we went to Gatineau park in Canada:

Don't we look happy? Don't we look radient! (Don't look at the trainers - we were hiking)

Quite the contrast to me now, hunched over my laptop, only the weak glow of the screen to illuminate my sallow face, looking through hollow eye sockets at the grey street below, just one dirty terraced house repeated over and over, far as the eye can see; the only splashes of colour penetrating the depressing monotony being the claret recycling bins spilling over outside each abode.

How I long for the Canadian Autumn, every colour in the rainbow and more captured in Autumn leaves, the colours alone bright enough to warm you from the soul despite the chilling (but wonderfully fresh) Autumn air. The landscape is a waterfall of beauty and colour, drenching the senses, stretching farther than the eye can see, stretching farthere even than my imagination can in concocting scenes of beauty. I can't begin to describe. I'll post a photo - not that it will do justice - but look at these: how can anyone comparing these two scenes draw the conclusion that my depression is unjustified?!

I need light, I need air.

Health problems?

Me again. Cat I've just read your post

"But things felt right in America. people listened. people wanted to know more about me, about my past, my 'story'"

Couldn't agree more. Are you struggling? How are you coping? Does anyone have any tips or tricks for coping with withdrawal symptoms, toying with the idea of taking up yoga to calm my anxieties. I'm having a few physical problems, loss of weight, dizziness, and it comes on whenever I look through my photo albums. Perhaps the most feasible resolution, would be to stop looking through my photo albums. Maybe I should try it.

Please don't laugh, but I have a confession. I have found love.

He's Australian....local to Melbourne, he's tall, and dark haired, a little out of my normal age range but we just...clicked instantly.

Here's one of the few pictures we have together.

 He's a doctor.

Lonely and confused
-O

"This one time, at Band Camp..."

i found this earlier this morning...
http://travelaholicanonymous.net/
its a website where travellers share their stories, which i found nice, especially being as one had been to New York, and it allowed me to revel in the memories of my time there.
however, i feel everything that they are writing about, only heightened. maybe because i lived and worked there. maybe because im not actually meant to be here.

I'm originally from Wales, and when i moved to England i felt so outside of myself. i figured it was just because it was a new situation, a new place.
but thinking back, i didnt feel too right wondering around Cardiff where i grew up...as if i was just dropped into the wrong place and wrong situation. but i carried on and dealt with it, because hey, i was a teenager, and an awkward semi-rebellious one, at that...that's just how things were.
But things felt right in America. people listened. people wanted to know more about me, about my past, my 'story'.
i had a story out there.
i have no story here. i'm just another face... the word 'i' sounds so much more pretentious and self indulgent here. nobody cares. i am nobody. how ironic...


sorry, i babbled a bit there, but basically my point was that i wanted to share that site, as it has other people who love travelling and their memories. and i figured that by reading others memories, we could maybe reflect more on our own? i know i spend far to much time thinking about great things i did out in America, and keep trying to slip it into conversation, but noone i know was there, so they dont understand, or care.
its starting to be like 'this one time, in band camp...' type of thing.
so i figured here would be the place to share :)
memories anyone?

My name Is Vicki

Hi, My name is vicki and im here today because i have a problem. i am an Oz-o-holic. And if there isnt an official term for this already, then there should be. Exactly one week ago today, i was there, enjoying life. 7 and a half sweet months of it, that just so happened to be the best time of my life. Now, i know i am only 21, and i will have more wonderful experiences yet to come in my life, but for now Australia is all that i can think about. I have now returned to my university in Reading, to my second year and am living in a house with 4 friends. Its just not the same though. For a start i miss the chirpy ozzy accent. Watford and Wolverhampton is just not going to cut it for me! Everytime i do anything here, i cant help relate it in some way to an experience i had there. Shopping, lectures, sleeping, eating.... you know when you feeel like your not quite in a day, you're in a sort of daze... this is my permanent feeling. I miss my friends, and the scariest part is not knowing when i will next see them again because its so far away. I vow to go back one day, but till then can someone help me overcome these mundane feelings i have whilst living in dreary England?!

4 weeks today...

4 weeks ago today i was on a plane from Boston, heading for London. i was excited. glad to be coming home to my family for Christmas, especially being as my first flight was cancelled and we weren't sure i'd even be home for new year. when i got home i was over joyed. after all, it had been 4 months since i had seen any of my relatives.

however, in my head, part of me didnt think leaving Rhode Island was a permanent thing. it just felt like another one of my journeys around America; maybe this time Florida, or Philadelphia again, but in my heart i felt i would be back. leaving wasn't real.

i spent barely 3 weeks at my home in Wales, before heading back to Reading, and until i took my first steps back in the art dept... i didnt think it was real.
and now its all hit me.
I'm back in Reading for at least a year and a half. focusing on my degree... 'knuckling down'

i'd feel more inclined to be enthusiastic...
but i can't go on a day trip to New York.

i could go on a day trip to Bristol...
but thats hardly the same, is it?

A bit of a confession

I have to admit something.

Its a bit embarrassing, but seeing as you guys are going through a similar kind of thing I think you will understand. I hope you do.

Like Olivia, I feel like this is not home any more. What was once so familiar has become so unfamiliar. The sea always reminded of home, now it just brings me a wave of sadness. I see an image of the statue of liberty and I feel like it's calling out to me. Like she is waving at me.

But anyway, that isn't that embarrassing thing. Its just...coffee shops. Starbucks. Costa. Coffee Republic. Anywhere I can smell the sweet aroma of coffee beans I find myself in there, ordering myself a large lattee. It remind of america so much. But its getting worse. Yesterday I had 5 mugs of coffee. It starting to eat into my saving. I just cant stop.

Can you help?

Identity Crisis

I've realised, in Canada on a regular basis - daily practically, sometimes more; people came up to me and went 'Oh my Gawwwwd, I LOVE your ACCent!!'
In Canada, people loved to hear me talk. It was nice to be listened to.
Here in England, the only people that notice me speak are those that find my Essex accent annoying.

I had such a strong identity in Canada - so much of which was built of my Englishness, but of my Englishness in a Canadian context.
Here, I have no interesting defining characteristics. Here, I am nobody, I am nothing.

Hi everyone, I'm Olivia and I'm here because home isn't home anymore.

 

Hi guys, this is me in the photo above on my first week in Melbourne in Australia, don't I look happy! Sorry! back to my point, I'm essentially here because I've had a bit of a rough time lately, I'm not going to lie - things are at a loose end here, when a month ago everything, and I mean everything just made sense. So where do I begin, I know I know very little of you all but I have been watching and reading your posts - I don't want to sound like I'm revelling in your misfortune but I am so relieved to know you're struggling as well, and to just know I am not alone.

I'll begin with a little description of me, and where I'm from - I'm 20 and from Southend-on-sea, it's nice but there are few reasons that I could give to fault it, put it this way - all the rumours you've heard about it, are true. So I go to Reading University, but somehow I was given this opportunity to study abroad in Melbourne - funny I've told this story more than I've had school dinners (and i really really liked school dinners as a young'un!) and every single time I tell it differently. Well to you guys, I will be brutally honest, I was a con, I lived in someone else's shoes, I woke up and I was in someone else's world, I was upside down and inside out, I was different and everything else was different - I was seeing the world whilst in the middle of my degree in rusty old Reading. It was the single most strangest feeling waking up in a bed that wasn't my own, but that feeling...you know that feeling? It's left me now, it's literally disappeared. I've changed, I have, and nothing has here - basically I'm here, because home just isn't home anymore.

Please help.

Lonely and confused,

- O

Im so happy to have found like minded people longing for more of their travelling experience! Somebody mentioned beavers...then I thought of beavertails..the delicious canadian speciality. .like a flat doughnut..but warm and sugary..cinnamony..mmmm I long for that taste again!! Or maybe the egg sandwiches from Second Cup, the best coffee shop ever. Nothing tastes as good in the morning!

I'm Amy and I think I have travel withdrawal...

Thank God I found this group of people, I came home from travelling on Christmas Eve. The last 5 months have been the best of my life and I can't fathom adjusting back to university here. I have become addicted to skype. Talking to my American friends as often as I can, desperate to hear what's going on....I often wake up in a panic not realising where I am, in the dark and confused. From what I have read I am not alone...

Lonely Traveler

Sunset over Montreal, brings a tear to my eye!

Hi my name is Jonathan and I have a problem...

It's been exactly four weeks since I got back. Every time I think about it my palms start sweating and I start to crave it again. I felt like I was suffering alone until I found this page.

My Craving

Poutine!

I know it doesn't look like much but it's lovely. It's really hearty and salty (I'm a sodium fan for sure) and they do all kinds of crazy ones like nacho poutine or Christmas poutine with turkey, cranberry and stuffing!

Cravings....

Ok, so i know this sounds ridiculous, but i thought this was the only place i could post this, and maybe find someone who felt similarly.
since moving back from Rhode Island, i cant seem to stop thinking about the food there... quohogs to be specific, its the state shellfish/dish. i just cant describe how wonderful they are. well the food there in general... fried fish sandwiches, fresh oysters, home fries... the list goes on. i've tried filling the craving with clams or scallops, and even a traditional British fish and chips...BUT NOTHING is the same.

i absent-mindedly checked out some flights to America on my coffee break earlier..., i didnt even know i was doing it until the prices popped up.
i really can't stop thinking about it.
i'll post a photo...i'm sure you'll all see what im talking about.
i was just wondering if anyone else has something that they can't stop thinking about from abroad? anything?
im hoping someone is going through this as well...

Went to this club last night. So many people pushing and shoving, everyone was throwing stuff off the top floor onto the people on the dancefloor below and I got hit with a pint glass on the back of the head. Not only that, there was a fight on the dancefloor and I got a wayward punch in the face. Would never have this in Canada, everyone's far too friendly and polite.

Was the crappiest night. England sucks.

Addicted to travel

Hi,

This is slightly awkward, I'm sorry. I know I sound ridiculous but I have to talk to someone, no one here seems to get how I feel.

Has anyone seen that film, Inception? Where they control the fabric of dreams, and the consequence is that it becomes impossible to tell what is reality and what is fantasy? I feel that way about my life. I studied in Canada for 4 months last semester, and now I'm back at uni here in England, in exactly the same position I would be in if I had never left. That whole part of my life can just lift out and be forgotten - it already feels more like a dream than something that actually happened.
But home doesn't feel right now either. I don't seem to fit back into the life I created for myself here. The only way I can explain is to compare it to that film - I just can't convince myself that this is reality. Home doesn't feel real. I don't feel like I belong here. I'm not sure if I belong anywhere.

I know I should just stop waffling on, that I'm just sad that the 'holiday' is over and I need to stop procrastinating and get on with my responsibilities, blah blah blah, but I'm really struggling. Is there anyone out there who can relate?